The Land of Low-Carb Opportunity

I had spent many a long (short?) English winter day looking forward to my arrival in the good ol'  US of A. Not only a land of the 'Free' which provides homes for the 'Brave', whatever that means, but also a return to 't-shirt weather' amongst a nation of people supposedly obsessed with 'fad diets'. It was an utopian future which I was envisioning, elbow deep in all sorts of low or no carb products, making kitchen life, nay life in general, so much sweeter. I had already seen the evidence online after all, so I knew these products existed. Recipes and blog entries showing how easy it was to eat 'low carb' as well as specialist products made for people like me. I just had to hunt them down and was sure that they would taste like manna handed down directly from the Gods.

My optimism was short lived.

Firstly, I found that all this talk of 'low' or 'no' carb was more a case of incorrect labeling that anything else. To describe the provision of nutritional information on US food products as simply 'inaccurate', does not do justice to the grand magnitude of lies being peddled to the American public by US food producers each year. I would go as far as to say that whoever is in charge of policing the US food labeling system has a hell of a lot to answer for, for the information provided is simply not accurate. 

By way of background, back in Europe, every product must show the complete nutritional information for 100g of the product sold to the nearest 0.1g (Note that 100g is just under 4oz for those of you still living in the Victorian era - hey, I'm just saying!). The values for (usually smaller) serving sizes can also be shown, but the 100g benchmark is always kept to and there is no possibility of rounding the figure up or down to the nearest gram. 

On the other hand, the US's system does not require a standard serving size to the listed, but rather leaves this at the discretion of the food retailer, allowing said retailer to also round down the values as they please. Therefore for example: A retailer who produces Product X which has 2.4g of carbs per 100g  may deem the appropriate serving size of its product to be 20g. The amount of carbs in 20g of Product X is 0.48g of carbs, which after a quick round-down equals 0 Carb. "Wow" says the innocent though uninformed shopper: "Product X has zero carbs, I can eat a gallon of this stuff and still get a pat on the back from Dr. Atkins". 

In an effort to try and overcome the rather creative approach food companies take to their nutritional labeling, we started to read more into the ingredients listed in the products we found in supermarket products. Unsurprisingly, what we saw only served to further confirm that this was not the Land of Low Carb Opportunity I was hoping it would be. 'Sugar', 'corn syrup', 'high fructose corn syrup', 'glucose', 'cane juice', 'refined sugar cane' - lots of different words which essentially mean the same thing --- that its almost impossible to find unadulterated food products in US supermarkets. Bacon, once a staple of mine contains sugars and therefore carbs. Turkey breast slices - carbs. Bratwurst sausage - carbs. Jerky - carbs (lots of them!). I also found there is no such thing over here as Double Cream, the closest being a less fatty 'Heavy Whipping Cream' which contains far more carbs also. 

I was distraught, but not inconsolable, because, leading me nicely into the subject of this post, I was placing all my eggs (about the only product in the US which doesn't have sugar added to it by the way) in the Walden Farms basket. 

I had been reading about this brand of condiments almost since they day I had to cut carbohydrates out of my life. This miracle company, no doubt, I thought, run by supernatural beings with divine agency, boasted a range of zero carb products which were meant to ACTUALLY contain zero carbs. Having read through their products' ingredient lists, I knew that 'nutritional' information on these products was clearly a misnomer to begin with, however such is the desperation of those on a low carb lifestyle, that I was ready to try their tomato sauce despite the fact that it contained not a hint of tomato in it. 

Chancing upon these products in the local health food store, I remember Samantha noting that I was buzzing with excitement, like a little boy with a sweet tooth in a sugar-free 'candy' store just before he found out that the candy was sweetened with sugar alcohols and therefore out of bounds also.

Buoyed by the actual sight of these products for the first time and a 2 for 1 offer on all Walden Farm products in the store, I started my spending spree, purchasing a range of Walden Farms products ranging from pasta sauce to peanut butter to pancake syrup, ketchup and barbecue sauce. I could hardly wait to get home and dip my little fingers in each of them. It was when I did that my whole world came crashing down on me. The crack team who were put together to formulate the flavouring for the tomato and basil pasta sauce and the tomato ketchup had clearly never been near tomatoes in their lives. The two varieties of barbecue sauce I tasted were completely unpalatable, a complete affront to the fine art of the BBQ - so much so that if Mr Walden had the audacity to set foot in the State of Texas, he would surely be hung, drawn and quartered. A missed opportunity really, since making him swallow a tablespoon of his awful sauce would be a far worse punishment. Finally a more than dishonourable mention goes to the so-called 'peanut butter'. The way that Mr Walden raped and pillaged this stalwart of the American sandwich is completely beyond any type of reproach. To get the taste and texture of peanut butter so completely wrong is perhaps the only 'miracle' which Walden should be laying claim to on his website, and I personally think a special section of hell should be reserved for him and his team of apes for building up my hopes as much as he did on this one. 

Ok, so you must be wondering about the pancake syrup. I suppose I must respectfully alight my high horse of criticism and negativity to admit that a small bow must go to Walden on this one. In small amounts and added to Samantha's special pancakes or cereal, it does provide the (tricks-me-into-thinking-it's-a) sugar rush I have been so desiring. But other than that, shame on you Walden you naughty, naughty man, I will certainly not be trying your chocolate sauce for God only knows what that vile brown mush will actually taste like …

One further note on Walden Farm products is that they are actually not zero carb at all, adding 'dishonesty' to the list of crimes Mr Walden should be answering to.